Waiting! Yep I said waiting. I’m learning that when you surrender, usually (if not always) you enter into a time of waiting, sometimes just for a second to listen to God for the next step and other times for years while God builds you up and orchestrates what he has planned for you. I have been working on surrendering two main things in my life (I’m working on surrendering my whole life of course, but I’m having problems with these tow issues!) and I have been praying for God to just direct me one way or another. Lately all I’ve heard is silence! At first I was like, “what the heck God?? I’m trying to listen, but you aren’t helping!” Yesterday I realized that I haven’t been listening for a real answer, but for the answer I wanted to hear. The answer that God is giving me is to wait…crap! I want to share with you some of my struggles that I am having with waiting. Please bare with me as I open up, I am hoping that God can use my struggles to help others who are going through similar stuff.
My husband and I bought a town home when we got married (almost 4yrs ago) and thought that it was a perfect move for us. Now looking back I can see that this was another time that God was asking us to wait and we (more me) decided to go on our own and do it anyways. Now I hate this house. I know strong words, but really the only things I like about the house are the things we added to it like the paint colors, the furniture, and hopefully soon the bathroom remodel. Everything else I strongly dislike. In January we got broken into, thankfully nothing was stolen but I began to fear being alone in the house. In February our car got broken into and I said, “that’s it, we are moving no matter what”, I didn’t pray about I just made that decision and my husband agreed. The next 8 months we practically killed ourselves (and our bank account) to get out until finally we had no choice but to give up when two of my closest friends needed our help. For the two weeks that we took off, we felt like a huge weight had been taken off of our shoulders. I realized that for the first time I had really prayed to God about the situation. The funny thing is that my husband did the same thing but we never talked about it until this week. Now that I am looking at the situation through God’s eyes I can see that we would have been way in the negative if we continued to go down the path we were going. Right now we have a very low mortgage and are able to work on our debt. But if we “upgraded” like I wanted we would be worse off because we couldn’t pay off our debt in the very near future. Sure we would have a nice house, but overall we would not be happy. Something I also noticed is that we always blame our horrible house for a lot of our problems. I blame the fact that I don’t cook a lot on the fact that our kitchen doesn’t connect to our living room and I cant watch Jacob and cook at the same time, that we cant get stuff done (like laundry) while Jacob is awake because we can’t find a good gate for the stairs, etc. Also, our house has a bad floor plan, meaning that nothing flows and there are a lot of “dead ends”. These dead ends tend to collect junk because we don’t use the space, even though we need it. My husband and I use the excuse that if we had a better house it wouldn’t constantly look like a hurricane came through. I should know this is not true. The real problem is that my husband and I are extremely undisciplined when it comes to keeping a house tidy. We will talk about this in another post. Last night we decided that we will stop using this excuse and make the entire house “usable”. Also we will stop procrastinating on upgrades thinking that we will be moving soon. Strangely enough I feel a freedom in all this. I’m not happy with the house, or the fact that we don’t have a real backyard (yet another problem with the house), but I am happy that we are following what God has for us and that it makes Him happy. We know that God has something better for us, it’s just not time yet.
The other issue that I have been trying to surrender is not so easy. We have been trying for another baby since April. When we were trying for Jacob, it took us 9 months to get pregnant. Most of that time I prayed and pleaded with God to give us a child. I found out I had some medical issues that could hurt our chances of having kids, which of course made waiting even harder. I look back now and I am so glad that God made us wait. After about 6 months of trying I realized that the headaches that I had been having for about a year and a half were getting worse. These headaches were so bad that I was beginning to get blurriness in my right eye. This all happened right as we were working with a fertility specialist to see what the “plan” was. I thank God that I was not pregnant through this time. My headaches required some tests that would have been pretty dangerous if I had been pregnant and even the medicine that I had to take was pretty dangerous to a growing baby. Thankfully I found an awesome neurologist that took care of me and we controlled the issue to where it was safe to try again. I remember then that it was so easy to surrender it all to God and just believe that he had a reason. Not soon after (actually that month) I found out that I was preggo with my sweet Jacob. This time it is so hard to just surrender and wait. I’ve always had this dream of my kids being really close in age and that dream is slowly drifting away with every month that passes. Also, I think a lot of it is because waiting implies that you can’t do anything, your just supposed to sit and wait. Well when trying to have a baby there is a lot of doing involved (I don’t mean that to be dirty!) like charting days, paying attention to what you eat, taking vitamins, etc. I’m having a hard time remembering that I can still do all that and also “wait”. My sister reminded me in her blog yesterday, when waiting it doesn’t mean that you should just sit and do nothing, you should use this time to run to God and seek Him. Get to know Him, get to know His will. I can already tell that this period of waiting might not be for the same reason as last time but it is still very important. I can feel God pulling me toward Him, I suddenly have this desire to jump head first into reading about His unfailing love, or I actually look forward to praying to Him and actually listening to what He has to say. Sure my heart is still aching for another baby and our home still doesn’t feel full, but I have a peace knowing that I’m not doing anything wrong, I’m not broken. God just has something better for my family and me.
I will be the first to admit that I hate waiting. I can almost be considered a hypocrite to even write about this subject because I am SO bad at waiting. My first instinct when I am told to wait it to fold my arms across my chest, stick out my bottom lip, stomp my foot and cry “I want it now!” (and if you think I am joking, ask my family!) My second instinct is to just do it so it gets done on MY timetable, even if I have to jump too high over obstacles. Both of these are so wrong! If we don’t learn to wait then we miss the good stuff that God has for us, the heart changing stuff. Also, God sees the bigger picture, the path that we are just too blind to see. You can almost compare us to a driver on a very curvy road in the mountains go way too fast. God sees every bump and roadblock. He can also see which shortcuts are safe and which ones just lead us even further off the path. Waiting means that we have to slow down and go God’s speed and trust that around the next turn He knows how to swerve the pothole. It’s not easy but so worth it. Last night I was reading my sister’s blog and she shared a quote that really helped me -“The hardest part of faith is often simply to wait. And the trouble is, if we don’t, then we start to fix the problem ourselves-and that makes it worse. We complicate the situation to the point where it takes God much longer to fix it than if we had quietly waited for His working in the first place.” (from Jim Cymbala in his book “Fresh Faith”) This really hit me hard that my need to have things now just makes the situation worse, and that in the past I have really made things harder than they had to be. Its kind of funny though because I had been praying all week for God to tell me if waiting is really the right thing to do and all I had to do was listen. Thankfully my sister let God speak through her!
So now we wait. For how long? Nobody knows but God and I’m ok with that. Sure I will have my bad days and it wont always be easy, but God is molding my heart from an impatient heart to a patient one. I’m excited to see how great God will bless us and who I will become after the waiting is over.
Here is a song that reminds to be faithful through waiting
Faithful by Brooke Fraser
There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
i wave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what i long for
When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear everyword I pray
And i want you more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful
All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
i still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tounge,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me
When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear everyword I pray
And i want you more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful
Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want
Friday, September 10, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
Surrender
"Surrender"
My hands hold safly to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?
Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be freeI know but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me
You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?
BarlowGirl
It is so easy for me to believe and to have faith in God, that he will make it all work out. But surrendering is a whole other thing. Suddenly I am dealing with the idea of surrendering. Surrendering the idea of a better house or the hope for another baby soon, or just having more time to do everything. Surrendering is not giving up. It means putting God's wishes and will before your own. It means wanting what he wants more than what you want. Its easy to say, much harder to do. I feel like I have these dreams that have to be fullfilled or my life will still be lacking something, or that my home will not be full. I am remembering that I have to give these to God and not take them back. To trust that God will take them and make them better than I could ever dream them to be. Its hard, my heart aches for my dreams to come true, but my heart aches more for God's will to be done with my life and in my life. I am so blessed, God has given me so much, way more than I deserve. I want to live a life of surrender, a life that is God-led, not dream-led. Will you do the same?
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Oops!
So I did exactly what I thought I would do...make a blog and then forget about it! Sorry for anyone that might actually read this! This year has been a very busy one! Jacob is getting big and is no longer a baby, but instead a very energetic little toddler. He is so much fun to be around. He is constantly trying to learn new things or say new words. He is also starting to run, which gives me a heart attack because he is also falling more! I can't believe that only a year ago he was a small baby and now he is this little boy who is so independent. Now, I can't lie, he can be frustrating at times! He now hates to cuddle or be held down in any way (especially during diaper changes!), he is ALWAYS on the go. He knows the word "no" and likes to say it but hates to mind it. I can't help but laugh though. I am one lucky and blessed parent.
Our lives have changed so much in the last two years and I am reminded everyday how blessed I am. I have a son who steals my heart with every smile and a husband that I am head over heels in love with. Can't get any better than that!Thursday, April 15, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Mar31
The Wednesday before Easter at Clear Creek Community Church. It was a great service and quite convicting. It reminded me of some things I need to fix in my relationship with God.
Mar30
Ah my lovely hubby....distracted by the TV. We were leaving to go pick Jacob up from my grandmother's and I turn around to see my hubby glued to the TV. This happends a lot. Lets just say that I make sure that a girly show is on when we have to clean or get something done so he wont get distracted by the TV :)
Mar29
Oops, got behind again! I caught Jacob standing. Since then he has taken a few steps but now refuses to even try. He is soooo stubborn! But he is super cute too!
Monday, March 29, 2010
Mar28
My couch buddy Dinah. Last night Chris and I were sooooo tired from the busy weekend so we just lounged around and watched TV instead of doing chores. Dinah decided she would do the same while lying on my feet. She's such a sweetie, a little annoying, but I still love her.
Mar24
Setting up at the new spot for my chruch's west campus, Jacob had so much fun playing with the other kids.
Mar19
Driving to dinner, I can't remember where we went. I promise I was safe and didnt even look at my phone!
Mar17
Doing some research for our trip to Ireland. We aren't going till Jan 2012 (our 5 yr anniv) but I got curious and it just so happened to be on St. Patty's day!
Mar14
Sunday night, eating out with friends. I love how Jacob is just sitting there listening to his uncle Nathan talk.
Mar13
Ok Im way behind so I am just going to write what the pic is and not go into detail. I think this pic speaks for itself! They are both great!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Mar12
Our Friday night tradition...going out to eat with Aunt Hannah! We went to Chili's. Jacob is so great in resturants and now eats kids meal at most places (he started refusing babyfood at 9.5 months!). He loves to flirt with all the women and loves to watch other kids running around. Most people are shocked at how good he is. I take no credit for this, he just loves to socialize!
Friday, March 12, 2010
Mar11
Last night I was cooking at home so Chris decided to play with Jacob in our "corral" in the den area. I loved being able to watch them play while I cooked. Jacob got this piggy bank for Christmas from his uncle Carl and somehow it has ended up in the toy box. Jacob kept crawling around with it's ears in his mouth. FYI, the Fetticine Alfredo recipe from WW is awesome!
Mar10
Hehehe this is my chunky man. We were at my work, buying supplies at SAM'S and we bought pizza and ate at work. We didn't have a highchair so we had to use Jacob's old Bumbo and he was not happy about it. Why is he shirtless? Because he had ravioli and made a huge mess! So this is while I was cleaning him up, another thing he hates, and he gave me this look. I think we need to buy another travel highchair to keep in the car just in case.
Mar09
Yummy Flautas (yep, WW recipe) and Spanish Rice that my hubby and I made from scratch, w/o a recipe. This was our date night, we ate in and watched 2012. Good movie and good night!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Mar08
Ok, not going to write much because I am about to go on a date with my hubby. Last night we were at my grandmother's and I was cooking sweet and sour pork (it was very yummy btw) and this was my view. My awesome hubby and my sweet little boy playing at my grandmother's feet...life couldn't be better! Oh and of course we were watching The Bachelor:Molly and Jason Get Married.
Mar07
Oops caught me driving and taking a pic! In my defense though, I didnt even look at my phone. Just held it up and hit the button. And no, this is not my car. It is my grandmother's car. Sunday morning, as we were walking to our car to go to church, we noticed that someone smashed in our window of our Jeep! I was so upset! Earlier this year someone bashed in our front door and now someone broke into our car. I just wanted to stand there and cry, this is supposed to be our home, where we feel safe! I can't wait to move this summer. We just want to get out of there so bad. Ugh and they stole our GPS which was a replacement for our other GPS that was stolen! Grrrr! So back to the pic, we were driving home from Baytown. We went to Baytown to celebrate Chris' grandmother's birthday. She is an awesome woman. I have to say, I was scared to meet my hubby's family when we were dating because you always hear horror stories about in-laws. But I don't have to worry about that with this family! They are all sooooo loving and kind. I am blessed to be apart of it. What are some of your blessings?
Monday, March 8, 2010
Mar06
My little jumper! Saturday night while we were eating, Jacob would not leave us alone. He wanted to eat our food, even though he had already eaten, and he wanted to climb on the tv trays (yes we are bad and eat in front of the tv...for now anyways). We put him in the jumperoo, which he rarely goes in anymore, and he loved it! He thinks its so funny when someone is sitting next to him and watches him jump. I think he is too big for it now, but we have hesitated putting it away because it helps us if we need to run to the next room and keep him entertained at the same time.
Mar05
Hannah actually took this pic. We were leaving my parent's house to go eat sushi (have you noticed yet that we eat pretty late?) and I couldn't get a good pic of anything around. So Hannah took out her phone to get some light and got this cool pic of Jacob trying to grab her phone. I like this pic because it looks like 3D ultrasound photo. Kind of makes me sad because my little baby is growing up. A year ago I was getting my last ultrasounds to see how big he was and I remember how awesome it was to see his face and his little fingers. Can you remember what was happening a year ago?
Friday, March 5, 2010
Mar04
My sweet Ruthie. We got Ruth about 2 years ago when she was like 4 weeks old. She has been my baby since. She likes to sleep on my head and at night she forces me to love on her. Chris and I made the choice to find her and her boyfriend Titus a new home about a month ago because our plate is just too full. Im struggling with this. I have to say, these two cats are pains. They like to knock stuff off of tables for fun, they can make a room look like a hurricane came through it in 2 seconds flat when they are playing, and they shed like crazy. But I love them. They are the sweetest cats in the world. They never scratch us or bite. They let us do whatever we want to them and they are good with Jacob. I just can't wait till we have a bigger house and an actual backyard so we can let them be outdoor/indoor cats. Oh well, knowing us we will just give in and keep them...unless ofcourse an awesome couple comes along and gives them a better home. We are such animal lovers that we would keep every animal we saw if we had the land to hold them all. Already we have 2 cats, 2 dogs and a turtle (see sweetie, I remembered the turtle). Oh and don't forget the baby who is threatening to walk any day now ;). Do you have any pets?
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Mar03
Another good pic of my little man! Last night, Jacob kept choosing his Dynamo soccer ball over all his other toys. I can't wait till he can fully comprehend the joy of soccer. In October we are going to sign him up for www.soccertotshouston.com which is a program that starts at 18 months. I can't wait!! According to their website, the class is a 50 minute class that uses props and songs to teach motor skills and engage them in participation activities. Oh and the best part...Chris and I get to participate with him! I think this will be such a great activity for our family to do together. And, of course its centered around soccer which is great! Last night I was so proud of Jacob for playing "soccer" (crawling while "kicking" the ball with his hands) around the house. For those that are starting to think that we are brainwashing our kid into loveing soccer, I say, heck yes we are and me are proud of it! ;) So, did you play a sport as a kid? If so, what sport did you play?
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Mar02
Tuesdays are our date nights. My awesome sister offered (before Jacob was even born) to take Jacob every Tuesday night so that we could have some adult time. This Tuesday we were a little short on cash so we decided to stay home and rent a pay-per-view movie. Of course our cable decided not to work so Chris had to leave and go get a RedBox movie while I finished cooking. I made an awesome macaroni and cheese casserole, another recipe from Weight Watchers. At 7:50 Chris came in with Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. It was such a cute movie! Our favorite part was Steve, Flint's best friend who also happened to be a monkey. After we finished our movie we drove to my grandmother's house to pick up Jacob (Tuesdays are Hannah's nights with her) and he was konked out, paci free. He stayed asleep when we got home and slept the whole night paci free, though he did wake up because of his teeth. Today he was without the paci because we can't seem to find them. I think they all disappeared under the crib. Do you have any weekly or monthly rituals? If so, what are they?
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
March01
This is a pic of garlic simmering in chicken broth. Every Monday we have dinner with my grandmother. Last night I was making Lemon Chicken with Broccoli over angel hair pasta, a recipe from Weight Watchers. It came out great! While cooking we watched The Bachelor and the very disappointing decision that Jake made. Ugh, Vienna?!?! Really?? She seemed really fake during the show but I do have to admit that in the after show he seemed to genuinely love her and she didn't seem as bad. Tenley would have been better but oh well. Im also excited about Ali being the next Bachelorette. Yes its a sleazy show but I just can't stop watching it! What show do you watch that you are slightly embarrassed to admit?
Monday, March 1, 2010
Feb28
This is my little man. Last night we were playing while Chris was making spaghetti. Jacob had a rough day yesturday because one of his molar are coming through! Poor little guy. This pic was after the tylenol kicked in and he was crawling around with a teething toy in his mouth. Ugh, teething stinks!
Feb27
Ok so Im going to be in trouble for this one but its not my fault. When my alarm went off, we were dropping Hannah off at her house before our date and she was not in a good mood. Well as I was saying goodbye, my phone went off telling me that it was time for my nightly pic. I tried to get her to smile and this is what I got. The pic does not show Hannah's true beauty at all. Hannah is such a beautiful person inside and out! She is my best friend and an awesome aunt. Seriously Jacob is so excited to see her because she is so much fun. I cannot begin to imagine a life without her and our Friday night eating out ritual ;).
Feb26
Yep Babies R Us. We go here a lot and I love it. I say it a lot, I love this place! I Know some people don't like it, but nope not me. I am a sucker for baby stuff. I am lucky if I leave this store with less than $100 worth of stuff and the crazy thing is that I use all of it. Its not just useless junk that I throw in a closet or draw, its stuff that makes my everyday life easier or clothes my beautiful baby boy. This particular trip was for a baby "corral" for my parents' house and for a carseat for Linda/Hannah's car. Instead, I got all these items plus Jacob's birthday outfit and some babyproofing stuff. Im not allowed to go here for another month!
Feb25
This pic is of the Olive Garden in front of Baybrook Mall. Last Thursday Chris, Jacob and I went were treated to dinner by an awesome couple at our church, Nicole and Davin. We were there to talk about more opportunities for Chris in the elementary ministry at CCCC. We also talked about getting on mission and what that meant. Nicole and Davin are such a great couple and are great role models for a loving Christian family. It was such an honor to eat and talk with them. Jacob love it too. He made a mess like usual eating chicken, broccoli and noodles with tomato sauce. He also made a lot of people smile and flirted with all the ladies as we passed by the tables. So, here is my first pic, how did I do?
7:50
Ok so I am stealing this from a friend's facebook friend (did that make sense?). I am going to take a picture every night at 7:50pm. I have my iPhone set to remind me at 7:50 everynight and then I will take a pic of what is in front of me. Some days it may be from my phone, others it will be from my other camera. I will then come on the next day and explain my pic and probably give a story of what I did for the day. I was going to wait until March 1st to start taking the pics but decided to start "practicing" to see if I would actually remember to take a pic everyday. Pics to follow (I am still trying to figure out how to upload pics!)
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